So what is it about our daily existence that brings us down? Yes, you, face down in the porridge, only 8 in the morning but already thinking of slitting your wrists to emo grunge, except that you don’t have time to end it all as you have to Go To Werkkk. Then putting your makeup on, after rather than before, rod straight while the other bus wankers watch -and why not? Why can’t we go around the daily commute looking like the Joker on a pub crawl? Why can’t we just lie down and go to sleep when we want, where we want? Does it actually cause harm? No.

However, we’re meant to be:

good looking (tick)

Nice (tick)

Educated (tick)

Clever (tick)

Rich (tick)

Successful (tick)

Respected (tick)

Popular (tick)

Loved (tick)

Stylish (tick)

Funny (tick)

Well travelled (tick)

Happy (tick)

And the life and soul of dinner parties (tick)

People are meant to dance at your funeral because it’s like, a celebration of your life. Innit. And you don’t want people to be sad at your passing. They want to remember you for all your glorious thingings.

– No, actually fuck dinner parties. You’re now the life and soul of transvestite all-nighters on boats. N shit. On fire.  And fuck nice. You got Edge, baby.

We’ve heard it all before: falling down the stairs is an uphill battle. Life is an untrammeled disaster, just remember to sing while you’re in the lifeboats. If life gives you lemons make a fucking lemon grenade for your window twitching, wife swapping neighbour.

All this points to the social construct, The Man, the social media representations we send out like invites. The irritating, exasperatingly heedful force of expectation. Yada yada yada; we’ve got all that to juggle with. Cow, listen, rebel, don’t rebel. Fuck it. Don’t fuck it.

Then throw along family too. That endless source of amusement, camaraderie, and Christmas arguments. People we once touched. They have a whole set of expectation alongside, nuanced with finer colours, to resurface at opportune times when you’re least armed. Those childhood memories, worries, yearnings, realisations and occasionally shared dreams that forge our daily identity. Appearing as intrusive thoughts whether you’re midway chatting up the hottie from Accounts, or drumming one’s head on the bus window as you slumber the petit mort of the overworked and oversexed.

We’re meant to love them. We’re meant to honour them. We’re meant to forgive them. And they’re meant to reciprocate – but even if they don’t we should be gliding about like a motherfucking sunbeam of forgiveness and charity anyway. Oh how they tease!

But bear in mind  the lesson from China. Once one of the most suicidally prone societies, sharing Goth music right up there with South Korea and Japan, but who embarked on a 400 million strong sojourn to the coast, with its seagulls and Nike factories. Tens of millions of families divided and sacrificed, to send money back to the impoverished interior, and lost childhoods exacerbated by the two child rule. Making stark photo ops as they flooded the transport networks every New Year to tearfully reunite in their homesteads.

Yet this wrenching of a generation away from the family unit resulted in a phenomenon – a rapidly falling suicide rate. Is this a giant, nationwide flood of crocodile tears? Well no, those are indeed heartfelt longings, with the concept of family the cornerstone of the world’s oldest surviving civilisation. And there’s a whole generation of angst-ridden kids missing their parents, that’s baiting society these days into questioning its sacrificial soul.

But it appears the pressure is undeniably lessened, that love is also all too often cloaked with expectation.

And why this East Asian triumvirate (the former China, Japan and South Korea) that so often tops the leagues in people topping themselves? Yes life is hard, there’s a lot of pressure to succeed, and they don’t take a lot of holidays – but then neither do any of the Developing World, who often don’t have the luxury of choice, and work multiple times more.

Well East Asia, thanks to mister Buddha and mister Confucius, operates on a ‘shame society’, whereas we in the West (thank you Abrahamic religion) operate on a ‘guilt society’. The difference is that ultimately we can, if one so chooses, forgive ourselves, or at least work towards that. On a shame based society you have to work the wider community in order to attain that forgiveness – and it’s much harder to convince an entire town to do something than one person (yourself).

I mean seriously, good luck with that next time you suck at becoming a film star –  here you listen to self loathing music and do more lines on your tea break to get over it, while over there you do the same but apologising the whole time to your family, friends, dealer and maybe customers. For your lisp and gammy hand coz hey, Joaquin Phoenix managed to pull it off. Just sayin.

Hence why people in the mysterious, toy-making East kill themselves more over imagined failures, or being a ‘burden’ on their family and loved ones, especially those who are mentally ill to start off with. How dark.

Suicide is improving now in Japan, despite Hollywood and Youtubers’ attempts to cash in on the Suicide Forest, or all things creepy and long haired that come out of mirrors. Things best forgotten that stand by the bed at night and wait. And wait.

Yet are best ignored. As in China, people are starting to find themselves by turning over, and paying less attention to social or familial diktaat.

They say we’re not lone animals like tigers. We’re not herding animals like cows. But we’re not single family unit animals either. If you look at our kingdom of primates, the other monkeys and apes tend to function in groups of families – lets say, 15-25 individuals.

Think a hamlet where everyone knows each other. A large extended family where a child being brought up can run to her aunties and uncles as surrogates when Mum’s menopausal and Dad’s on the shots. Equally where you can let the little shit go wild with her cousins as you have your chocolate, fag and binge-watch.

So I’m not saying families are bad. But absence makes the heart grow fond, especially if you’re one of those rare, rare souls whose family didn’t step out of an Ikea catalogue. And the lack of domineering parents, judgmental aunties and uncles, and frankly trashy in-laws does lend a certain grace to finding oneself. Like a bell that chimes for itself alone. Get that out of the way – or at least at Facebook arms distance-  and you only have to deal with The Man.

But what a Man that is. Squatting there like a vastly overweight, pinstriped mound of Hedge Fund Manager, displaying his Type A balls to everyone his Eames chair can swivel too. There is something fundamentally wrong with society.

Look back at the chimps again. On one side of the vast, sweeping Congo, second only to the Amazon as a giant riverine system, and uncrossable to those without a pirogue, live the Chimpanzees. They may seem cute, but they also mirror man’s failings and intrigues. Despite being affectionate, tender and individual, complete with personality types and functions, they also hunt, declare war on each other, form cliques, remember grudges, bully, cannibalise, rape and murder.

This is a patriarchal society ruled by the old men – and don’t forget for all that cuteness Bubbles was 5-8x stronger than your average human (hence why Jacko tried multiple times to leave him behind at McDonalds Kids Parties). One 4ft ape named Suzette in Bronx Zoo even wrenched 1,260 lbs in a rage, one handed. That’s a lot of damage one can inflict – so we shouldn’t judge them too harshly. Chimps are pretty much a race of Supermen, who like eating grubs and throwing their shit. Angrily when coerced – that can knock you out if lumpy.

So compared to humans Chimps are actually a glowing example of self control and not having wiped each other out a long time back, whenever Sandra stole the termite twig and you got a bit cross and tore her arm off.

But look on the other side of the river and there another species operates – the Bonobos. Vegetarian, peace-loving and non-murderous, non-cantankerous. Why don’t we hear more about these svelte little creatures? Why are the chimps the ones to have garnered all the Goodall fame over the years?

Well, the Bonobos spend every waking hour humping each other and playing with themselves for wont of anything better to do. Point your National Geographic lens on this side and you’ll likely see practices that would make a German orgy blush on Gimpstrasse.

Kids on the back of the parents getting bored with the same ride. Group sex. Group wanking sessions. Male on male, female on female. Male on Female on Male on Male. Kid on Kid. Incest. Food. Sticks. The proliferate and inventive usage of tools so endemic to our Family.

There haven’t been any reported cases of necrophilia yet (leave that to the penguins, who are likely to hump anything that trips or bends down to tie its little penguin laces), though I wouldn’t put it past the hairy blighters.

The difference: these folks are matriarchal. I know I’d miss bacon and all that, but I know which side of the river I’d be batt(y)ing for.

There are only a handful of matriarchal societies left in the world, one or two in Africa and one or two in Asia, and it’s interesting to note they also operate in polygamous love. Lets go back to China, great denizen of the mist-laden, cough-inducing East.

The Musuo people hold regular village dances in the ancestral halls of their forest. In the West we call this Tindr. Lets say you’re a fit young man resplendent in your tribal colours and totemic tassles, with a dab hand at skipping to the beat. Since you can jump higher than the average red blooded jungle hunk, or at least lose charmingly, you might catch they eye (and finger) of a certain lady. If she likes you, she’ll tickle your palm as you dance.

This is secret sign language for : “hey hot-stuff I need you bad. Come to my place at night after mum’s gone to bed and I’ll open my window for you to creep inside and we can then make sweet loving. Bring root vegetables and your Insta handle.”

Congra-tu-laaations! You’ve just become a ‘walking husband’. In the West we call this a fistpumping motherfucking RE-SULT.

So okay, so far so monogamous. But the thing is the lady in question can have as many walking husbands as she pleases. And if one reads between the lines, you can be the walking husband of as many esteemed ladies of the Fragrant Nocturnal Emission Chambers as you can get.

If you happen to have a child with one of these women, you are not considered the father, merely the sperm donor, or if it makes you feel better, sweetie, the ‘birth-father’. The woman will be that child’s mother, her brother will be that child’s father. Luckily for the Musuo, Chinese minorities are exempt from the one/two child rule, so a brother is almost always present in a family. If they’re not fuck it, the kid’ll live.

Oh, if only it could mow the lawn too…

But let’s harken back to reality. The Musuo are currently inundated with sex tourists from China and beyond due to their increasingly publicised reputation for polygamy. Also the ready availability of sexually open females – a dearth in polite, yet barely masked patriarchal societies the world over.

They however, do NOT share that vision of being part of a shining El Dorado to the creepy, fidgetty old men who can’t make eye contact or the gung-ho, braying backpackers who turn up with prophylactic arrays on their mountains. And it would be obtuse to portray matriarchal societies as any less warmongering or hierarchical ( for example the Musuo operated a slave society until the Chinese outlawed it, and the language is still skewed to have female words meaning greater and male words as lesser).

But it’s interesting to see how a society plays out a different version of reality, modernity and the daily commute with women at the helm. Go south of the Tassili n’Adjer into Libya and Algeria, and see the Arab men who cover their faces (meekly nibbling at their food behind the cloth) while the women are unsheathed, and who hold the gold by inheriting matrilineally.

Anyway, I digress. I don’t think I’ve actually solved what’s wrong with our lives, just went on on one about sex and monkeys. But I think germs and war and interminably having to Werkkk come into it somewhere. Anyhoo, delete your family speed-call. Kill the president and put a woman there, any woman; Sandra from HR will do. Avoid chimpanzees.

Put off your death, switch the emo music off and put on your tie.

DISCLAIMER

Ignore what I said about people dancing on my grave. I want everyone unhappy. National day of mourning; maybe a parade. Distraught people launching themselves at my coffin, like in Mafia movies.

Thank you. I have spoken.